Brummie Broad's Spokesperson says...

Hello, good evening, and welcome to this Sunday Mercury blog page. As Brummie Blog's spokesperson, I have been advised to tell you-

[Speak up, they can't hear you!]

Coughs I've been advised to tell you that Brummie Broad is unable to post her regular Tuesday blog due to... what did you say it was?

[Well I was leaning towards insanity, but you said that wouldn't wash, so just come up with something plausible.]

Brummie Broad is unable to post her regular Tuesday blog because she was abducted by aliens.

Awkward silence

Again.

[That's the best you could come up with? Seriously, that was the only plausible thing that popped into your head, alien abduction?]

Hey, I'm being put on the spot here, I didn't want to do this in the first place.

[Just carry on and stick to the script will you, tell them... They can't see me can they? Push that curtain back a bit, I don't want them to know I'm here.]

Look, people staring at this screen, she just hasn't done it, okay? She hasn't had time, she's been busy gallivanting around during the Easter weekend and gardening and all that kind of shit-

[Hold on, are you allowed to say 'shit' on the Sunday Mercury website? I'm not sure you can use that word, I'll have the editor sending me terse emails if you're not careful.]

Well what do you want me to say, eh?

[Don't speak to me directly, they'll notice. Turn around!]

I don't want to do this now.

[Too late, they're all looking at you. Go on!]

The berluddy moany cow-

[Excuse me?]

-says she can't come today cos she's been busy-

[Er, hang on a sec, 'moany cow'?]

-but she says she's got an excuse note from her mom and... Have you really got a note from your mom?

[No, of course not, all Marmee gave me was a plastic bag of Cheerios, not quite sure why. But forget that, what's with this 'moany cow' bit, we never discussed saying that.]

I'm improvising.

[Well don't, stick to the script.]

There's a script?

[Yes, there, in your pocket!]

Rustle of paper Okay, Brummie Broad wishes it to be known that she leads an extraordinarily busy life... busy life? You're a typist aren't you?

[Transcriber, thank you very much.]

So all you do is type all day, every day.

[What's your point?]

Well, typing isn't exactly 'busy' is it

[What would you know? Get on with it, and make it snappy, I'm supposed to be burning something for tea in a minute.]

Well she's been busy typing and having a nervous breakdown over some tax figure sh-

[No!]

-stuff, so she's not here, and I'm supposed to make some excuse about it.

[And not doing a very good job to be honest]

It's difficult with you barking into my ear!

[Hey, I could have got Kevin Spacey to do this you know.]

In your dreams.

[Call yourself a spokesperson? My dog could do a better job of it.]

Right, that's it, I'm off.

[No, wait a minute, you haven't said the bit about my lunch at the Ivy with er Hugh Jackman, or my date with-]

You're making this up aren't you.

[No.]

You didn't really have lunch at the Ivy with Hugh Jackman did you.

[I might have done.]

But you didn't.

[No.]

Okay, is that it?

[Just tell them I'll be back here soon.]

She'll be back soon.

[As soon as I can fit something into my hectic schedule.]

As soon as she can fit it into her hectic typing schedule.

[Thanks.]

Can I go now?

[Yeah].

Good.

Brummie Broad: Usually here on a Tuesday, unless she gets confused with long weekends and stuff.
Brummie Blogs: Real life with a Brummie accent - be afraid, be very afraid.
Twitter: There too, if only to maintain some contact with the outside world.