Give Me A Break!

Let's talk about Jordon, aka Katie Price. Nothing against her personally, good luck to her I say, but does she have to be in the news All The Berluddy Time? You can't walk passed a newsstand without seeing her face in this week's headlines. How much crisis can one person endure in their life?

"Katie Price has to be helped home at 5am after wild night out in supershort orange dress." "Katie and Peter to Split." "Katie and Peter Back Together Again." "Katie Pregnant." She's everywhere, doing everything, all the time.

In an effort to try and understand this phenomenon, I fed some misinformation to the Sunday Mercury news desk to see what would happen, and this is what they came up with:

Brummie Broad in Early Morning Scare. Brummie Broad was heard shouting by neighbours in the early hours of this morning. One neighbour, who wishes to remain anonymous, said she heard phrases like 'You want that work completed by what berluddy time?' and 'SWEETCORN TRANSCRIPTS! AGAIN!'

"It was like something from a horror movie," said the unnamed neighbour, "I thought someone was being murdered the way she was carrying on. It quite upset my Tiddles."

Brummie Broad wouldn't answer the door when we called round to confirm the disturbance, but shouted through the letterbox, "I'm busy! Bog off!"

Brummie Broad in Gas Explosion. "Well," said a close personal friend of Brummie Broad, "because she has no sense of smell, she turned on the gas grill but it didn't light, only she didn't know this. Unsure if the kitchen was full of gas, knowing only that she was hungry and wanted toast, she draped a damp bath towel over her head and stood as far back from the cooker as she could before pressing the ignition button. Fortunately there was no explosion, which makes a change, and she got her toast in the end." No one was hurt in the incident.

Brummie Broad Splits With Hubs. "Oh come on," sighed Brummie Broad, when we rang to confirm the story, "You'll be saying I'm dating Brad Pitt next. Tsk."

Brummie Broad dating Brad Pitt and David Duchovny. Brummie Broad today denied rumours that she's seeing both Brad Pitt and David Duchovny at the same time. "Really?" Brummie Broad drawled when we contacted her, "I'm a self-employed tax slave, tell me when, exactly, am I supposed to have the time?"

Later, when pressed, Brummie Broad was heard to ask, "Do you have Brad and David's telephone numbers then?"

Brummie Broad in Homicide Investigation. Police today were investigating an apparent murder at the home of Brummie Broad in Birmingham. They were called when neighbours spotted suspicious marks on the driveway.

After being interviewed by Scotland Yard detectives (men in uniform, weyhey!), Brummie Broad made a statement to waiting reporters: "There has been no murder and I am not involved in any homicide investigation. Police found nothing but the white outline of a human body painted on my driveway near the front door. The words NO SALESMEN were printed underneath. It is not a crime scene, it's a warning to canvassers."

P.S: Heat and Hello magazines, I'm available for photographs at any time (but let me know beforehand so I can vac up a bit).

Brummie Broad: Here every Tuesday, though sanity can't always be guaranteed.
Brummie Blogs: There rest of time, usually, if I'm not typing up berluddy sweetcorn transcripts.
Twitter: Angst sometimes coughed up there, occasionally.