Tweeting and Twittering Like Tweety Pie

Twitter's a funny little thing isn't it, whatever 'thing' it might be, haven't actually figured that bit out yet. "What are you doing?" in 140 characters or less that can be posted from your PC, mobile phone or Blackberry onto the internet for all the world to see.

Some people use it like texting ("On train to London, weather damp and grey" yawn), but its weird when 'famous' people like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher do it... and believe me, it doesn't get any weirder than Mr and Mrs Kutcher:

FOLLOWER: Why the f**k am I even following Mrs Kutcher? Unfollows.
MRS KUTCHER (Demi Moore): Wow did I do something to offend you? (why does she even care, she doesn't know this person).
FOLLOWER (now has her attention and feels important): ahhh no you didn't offend me i just really have no idea why i'm following you i didn't mean any disrespect sorry.
FOLLOWER: now i feel bad i was just being aggy.
FOLLOWER: i unfollowed u becuz i didn't think u talk back or whatever but u do also i don't really know any of your movies so ifeltweird
FOLLOWER: *follows mrskutcher again* ahh twitter you tear me up inside. lol
MRS KUTCHER: love the twitter mind set of positivity it continually restores my faith in humanity!

Even freakier, Mr and Mrs Kutcher have encouraged their Kabbalah teacher onto Twitter ("I'd follow this guy to the end of the earth," says Ashton... does Kabbalah believe in a flat earth then?)

The Kabbalah couple are clearly in need of counselling of some sort judging from their quite frequent Twittering:

ASHTON: Spiritual study time. I'm going to go crush my ego for a couple hours cu L8r.
MRS KUTCHER: Me too baby
ASHTON: Apparently I have all my planets in Aries. Which means I need to work on listening more. What? (What indeed, clearly needs to work on which planet he's actually on first).
MRS KUTCHER: Always focus on the positive but never run from the negative it just might be the gift you have been needing to change your life! (Uh huh, run that by me again?)
ASHTON: I also need to work on my stubborn pattern behavior.
MRS KUTCHER: You and me both!

Lily Allen (10,000 'followers' and only 2 updates, what's all that about then?) and Perez Hilton have apparently been 'fighting' on Twitter (go figure) and Lily has now told reporters that she's 'blocked' Perez (sharp intake of breath). Is that the cyber equivalent of being given the cold shoulder in public? Is Perez even now sobbing with shame in some dark room?

People feel that they need to keep 'followers' updated on their every movement, producing a constant 'real-time' stream of garbage and even apologising when they haven't Twittered for a while (but hey, they've been busy, or sleeping). They say goodnight and good morning to all their followers as if we're waiting to see if they're up yet. Wow, Wossy doesn't get up until 10am, shock horror.

As Jeremy Kyle would say, maybe I'm missing the point. What is the point? Maybe the point is I've just 'searched' for Jeremy and he's not on Twitter... yet, but give it time. There is, however, a NOT The Real Jeremy Kyle (and quite a few NOT The Real Celebrity types, which I'm struggling hard to understand the reason for), and also a Jeremy Kyle Show Twitter. Is there no end to this madness?

Stephen Fry does it, of course, and he's quite a prolific Twitterer, so maybe we think because the Great Mr Fry does it, we should too, because he's clever and we're... well not. Boris Johnson is there in his capacity as Mayor of London ("Have also done a deal with the Government for a new railway for South London - very exciting"), as is Jonathon Ross ("I am going to take a nap. Twitter exhaustion"), Philip Schofield ("Welcome my brother to Twitter, but stay loyal to me!") and Alan Carr ("Just watched 'The Wrestler',loved it, i wouldnt be surprised if Donatella Versace goes on to win the Oscar. She was amazing.")

Even Tom Cruise is doing it ("Rejected 7 scripts today. Accepted 1. With caveats. Will be (extra) busy this time next year."), though not very often as I suspect, like me, he's not quite sure what this Twittering phenomenon is all about but doesn't want to run the risk of missing out on anything.

There are non-famous people on Twitter too, but really, who wants to look at those, aren't our own lives mundane enough without having to read about other people's?

So as far as I'm concerned, Twitter is a pointless phenomenon, a mere 'craze' that will pass, like Tamagotchis and Cabbage Patch dolls. And yet, strangely, I keep looking at it with squinty Lee-Van-Cleef eyes (one possibly twitching), thinking, Is it me, or is this all rather insane.

Stranger still, I do it myself, in a kind of not-quite-sure-why way. I tell myself I'm just researching, or feverishly keeping my finger on the pulse of modern technology, but really I suspect I just want to find out what Mrs Kutcher is up to today.

Brummie Broad: Here every Tuesday (Twittering allowing)
Brummie Broad: Hiding out there rest of time.