It's a Jungle Out There!

I got Hubs Zavvi vouchers for Christmas, wouldn't you berluddy know it. On Saturday we dashed up town to use them before the company crashed completely, and were told they weren't accepting vouchers.

What?

The place was a thriving mass of people buying DVDs and games and music, but the suckers who'd bought vouchers were left empty-handed.

The bar stewards!

"What did the wife get you for Crimbo?" people ask Hubs.

"Nothing," he replies.

Bugger bugger bugger!

To add (thieving) insult to injury, the city centre was heaving. I've never seen so many people in my life. It was a claustrophobic, oxygen-deprived, survival-of-the-fittest nightmare.

Shuffling down the Pallasades ramp, this huge bloke bashed into me so hard I thought I'd been hit by a truck. "He's just bashed into me!" I hissed at Hubs, rubbing my broken shoulder. The man then cut in front, almost tripping us over. Hubs thrust his not inconsiderable shoulder at him and bashed him back. It was that kind of atmosphere.

New Street was unbelievable. Unbearable. Pushchairs cut a swathe through the masses using move-or-die manoeuvres. Groups of people just stopped suddenly for no apparent reason, causing a stumbling back-up in their wake. We were leaping from left to right to avoid oncoming bodies like we were participating in Riverdance. Old people waved sticks in front of them, young people just relied on their suppleness to avoid death.

It was awful.

To soothe our shattered nerves, we dived into Waterstones. Ah the peaceful serenity of Waterstones. I whined and dribbled whilst Hubs repeatedly asked, "Are we done yet? Are we done yet?"

Next stop, HMV, who were accepting vouchers. Hubs went on a massive picking spree whilst I repeatedly asked, "Are we done yet? Are we done yet?"

The heaving masses started to get to me. I had the urge to scream hysterically. I had the urge to hold out my arms and spin on the spot just to get some Breathing Space.

I had the urge to start hitting people who were banging into me with Annoying Regularity.

We headed back to New Street Station before our sanity and stamina gave out. The local service had been cancelled for an indeterminate period because apparently train drivers hadn't felt like turning up for work. Dozens of people stood around waiting, next to a Christmas tree cordoned off with a barrier that had a 'health hazard' warning stuck to it!

We got off the packed train moments before the oxygen ran out, grateful to have survived.

I'm taking a cattle prod with me next time.

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