Bond... National Savings Bond

In the current financial crisis, the producers of the Bond films have sensitively announced that they'll be making a less opulent movie next time. Gone is the flashy car, Bond will now drive an eco-friendly Smart car. Bond and his girls will no longer wear designer clothes but shop at Primark (jewellery courtesy of Argos). Million pound yachts are a definite no-no, so Bond will now have to chase after baddies in a pedal boat, his little legs going ten to the dozen.

Vodka martinis? Gone. Instead, Asda's own brand and a bottle of cheap coke.

Private planes? Gone. Bond will now travel economy class like the rest of us and leave the plane twisted and agonised from lack of seat space.

Techno gizmos? They will all come from the Gadget Shop.

Health and safety have also got involved. No more jumping down lift shafts for Mr Bond, oh no. Sets a bad example. In the new film you'll see him being fitted out with a safety harness before each stunt and the words Do Not Try This At Home will appear on screen. Any underwater action will be done by inflatable dolls. Explosions will be simulated by cardboard cutouts. Dangerous scenes will be carried out by stunt doubles (Ken and Barbie have auditioned).

Guns from Toys R Us. Advent are supplying on-screen computers, so expect to see Bond pressing buttons that do nothing, keys flying off and The Blue Screen of Death appearing at regular intervals [Advent, complaint letters to my solicitors please].

The only scene that won't change, say the producers, is Bond coming out of the sea wearing speedos. This will be filmed at Weston Super Mare. Any scenes involving posh hotels or penthouses will be set in semi-detached council houses on an estate in Bradford.

And finally, the producers have announced that they can no longer afford Daniel Craig (cue hysterical sobbing from women the world over). An extra from Eastenders is tipped for the part (although John Prescott has shown interest). Bond girls will include Jo Brand and Kate Price (obviously).

The title of the next film has not yet being decided, but those being considered include:

Dr.Gupta
From Britain With Love
Tinfinger
On The Government's Secret Service
Benefits Are Forever
The Man With The Plastic Gun
A View to Unemployment
Licence to Tax

Television programmes are also making cut-backs. Keifer Sutherland's 24 will now be called 12, and the producers of House MD are moving the set to a British NHS hospital and calling it Maisonette GP, Kevin Maisonette. Hugh Laurie will be replaced by Johnny Vegas, and he won't have a limp, he'll have an artificial leg because they won't have had the medicine to put him into a pain-reducing coma (too expensive) so they just hacked it off.

In the newly revised series, Maisonette will too tired to be funny because he works 145 hours a week, so he'll be a bit scruffy and rumpled and unwashed with huge bags under his bloodshot eyes. The hospital wards will be filthy, with just one woman idly shuffling around with a damp cloth.

His colleagues will be dishevelled and demoralised and knackered. They'll say things like, "Do you think its Lupus?" and Maisonette will say, "Yes, its Lupus, but we can't treat it because there isn't enough NHS funding and our local PCT are in deficit to the tune of £7.7million, so everyone's going to die and there's nothing we can do to save them."

There are currently no plans to make cut-backs on Prison Break, but Lost will in the future be filmed on the Isle of Man.

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