Reality Check on Advertising

I see John Lydon (ex-rebel who used to front the Sex Pistols) is now advertising butter on television - because when you hear the words 'punk' and 'anarchy' you immediately think Ah, butter don't you. Piers Morgan (egotistical ex-editor of the Daily Mirror) has also jumped on the bandwagon by advertising M&S food - though why anyone would trust anything Mr Morgan recommends is beyond me.

In the quest for easy money, and in exchange for my soul and any semblance of pride, I would like to offer my services to marketing agencies as their Front Line Woman - the 'woman on the street' so to speak:

* Woman in kitchen full of smoke, cremating food. Cries as she pulls a black object from the oven and tosses it into pan-filled sink. In the distance, cheerful husband cries, "Hi, honey, I'm home." Husband comes into kitchen, views the chaos, hugs sobbing wife, and smiles. "Don't worry, love," he says, holding up a leaflet, "That's what takeaways are for."

Tagline: Wah Hung Chinese Takeaway, for those who can't (and shouldn't) cook.

* Woman sitting on sofa, wailing hysterically. "I've got so much work to do and so many bills to pay, I can't cope, really I can't. I just can't. I can't - ". "Here," says a manly voice, as a hand holding a tumbler comes into view, "Have some of this."

Tagline: Jack Daniels, softens the edges of a harsh life.

* Woman striding cheerfully in front of camera wearing a full-length padded coat. "See this," she smiles, pulling the huge collar up around her face, "Waterproof. Thermal lined. Can withstand gale force winds, hailstorms and blizzards. Perfect outdoor wear for..." Woman joins large group of people standing outside a pub and takes something from one of them, "...smoking outside."

Tagline: Thermal Mountain Wear, to stop you freezing your nuts off.

* Man and woman arguing in a grey room, throwing things, shouting. Close up shots of angry faces. Woman suddenly cries, "I've had enough!" and picks up a phone. "Hello?" she says, as the man paces angrily behind her, "Is this Hit Men Anonymous? Yes, I'd like to place an order please."

Tagline: Hit Men Anonymous, when divorce lawyers just won't do.

* Trinny and Suzanna rush up to unsuspecting woman in the street. "Now if we could just raise the hemline," says Trinny, lifting up the woman's skirt. "And move these boobs around a bit," says Suzanna, reaching down the woman's cleavage. Woman calls a policeman over and says, "Yes, officer, they're doing it again, the perverts. Take them away."

Tagline: The New Trinny and Susanna Show - When Victims Fight Back

Last shot of Trinny crying. "S'up?" asks Susanna. Trinny wails, "They've put me in a Primark dress!"

Tagline: Primark - Sponsors of the victims.

* Woman rushes into chemist, violently pushing all other customers aside. Slams fists down on counter and shrieks, "Give me hormone replacement patches! Give them to me now! I swear to God if I don't get those patches in the next 10 seconds I'm going to cause some serious damage around here, do you hear me? Do you have any concept whatsoever of what I'm going through right now? DO YOU?"

Tagline (weary male voice): Hormone replacement patches. Use them, 'cos we're tired of your shit.

Advertisers: Get in touch, we'll talk

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