BB on JK

JK: Please welcome my next guest, ladies and gentlemen. A big round of applause for Brummie Broad.

[boos from audience]

Hi, y'alright?

BB: Yes, a bit nervous, Jeremy.

Well don't worry, just sit back and relax. Let me ask first of all, Brummie, did you, contrary to my research team's request, wash before you came on the show today?

Er, yes, I'm afraid so, Jeremy. I couldn't help it.

And did my research team specifically ask you to wear an ill-fitting jogging suit with stains down the front?

I don't own a jogging suit, Jeremy.

[boos from audience]

So, Brummie, tell us what's going on? What's brought you to this programme for our help? Start from the beginning and take your time.

Well, Jeremy, I have an addiction.

[gasps from audience]

And when did this addiction start, Brum?

In my first secretarial job. I did it when no one was looking.

[more gasps, a bit of tutting, much pursing of lips and shaking of heads from audience]

Is it true to say that you're ashamed of your addiction, B? Yes or no? YES OR NO?

Yes, Jeremy. I can't seem to stop myself once I start, I just have to finish.

You're still in love with him aren't you?

Pardon?

I can see it all over your face, you're still madly in love with him aren't you?

Who?

It's the kids we've got to think about here!

Is it?

Yes, the kids! YOU SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT THE KIDS!

I do. But... well, they're all grown up now.

That's no excuse! You, madam, are the worst excuse for a mother I've ever had on my stage, or am I missing the point?

What? [Looks in audience at three sons all miming 'w***er']

Shall we read out the results?

What results?

The results of the lie detector test?

What lie detector test?

The test you took to find out if you've been cheating, madam!

You can cheat at Mahjong?

We asked, have you, since being with Wayne, ever had sexual relations with another man?

Who's Wayne?

You answered no. YOU WERE LYING WEREN'T YOU!

[boos from audience]

I think you've got me mixed up with someone else, Jeremy.

Oh that's right, claim that the test is wrong!

The only test I've done recently is a typing test. I thought I came here to talk about transcribers being addicted to computer card games. This is Tuesday isn't it?

Stop avoiding the question! Get off your bottom and get a job, THAT'S A FACT.

I have a job, sitting on my bottom all day as it happens.

It's my tax money that's keeping you, madam!

If only that were true, Jeremy.

Listen to yourself, you can't even spell the word truth.

I can, but can you spell supercilious?

Be quiet, this is my show, that's my name up there on my stage.

[audience cheers, several thousand home viewers of the student variety down a celebratory shot of tequilia.]

Now answer the question!

There was a question?

Were you or were you not sleeping with seventeen different men when you fell pregnant?

I'm pregnant!

How sure are you that Wayne is the father of your baby?

I'm having a baby!

Let's read out the results of the DNA test shall we?

But... but...

And Wayne is NOT the father, laydees and gentlemen.

[gasps of horror and boos from the audience]

But I'm neutered, and I don't know anyone called Wayne.

You lied didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?

I'm confused.

I'll bet you are! What have you got to say for yourself, eh? Well?

Well if I can get a word in edgeways, I'd like to say you're a bit of a pompous git with a King Solomon complex. I'm leaving now because this isn't what I came for.

I bet its not! Go on, get off my stage!

[audience boos and jeers]

[off stage] Is Trisha still on?

Brummie Broad: Here every Tuesday.
Brummie Blogs: There rest of week.