Taking a Break from Work

By Brummie Broad on Jul 18, 08 04:42 PM in

Today, a phonecall. From a salesman. In India.

"I would like to speak to Mrs Brummie Broad," he said, with an accent so strong it was almost a parody.

"Speaking."

"I'm calling from ... " And he launched into some spiel about banking and interest rates, getting faster and faster as he went.

"Are you trying to sell me a loan?" I asked.

Something rather interesting happened then. In his heavy accent, he got all irate and high pitched and excitable. "No, no, if you would just listen then I will tell you about - "

Excuse me? I have some strange bloke in another country on the phone telling me to listen? Oh no no no no no no.

Playtime.

"We offer you good interest rate to pay off all debts," he trilled.

"I don't have any debts," I said, settling into my seat and grinning in anticipation.

His pitch increased. "Let me give you a quote, our interest rates very good, I can give you a quote for a loan from us and you will - "

"I don't want a quote."

He was almost soprano now. "When I give you a quote you will be surprised at our interest rates, I'm telling you - "

Telling me?

"I don't want a loan," I drawled, stroking an imaginary white cat on my lap. "I don't need one."

"No, just listen to the quote!" He was frantic now, indignant and abrupt. "I will give you a quote and you can pay off all other loans and end up paying less each month!"

"How much less can you get than nothing?" I asked, "I don't have any other loans. I don't do loans. I am loan-free [as free as the wind blows]."

"But you're not listening!" he cried.

"You're not saying anything I want to listen to."

Clearly thrown by this, he went back to the beginning of his 'script' and started giving me the banking and interest rate spiel again, really fast, really high pitched. I thought he was going to have a coronary. I stared out of the window, rocked gently in my Typing Chair, stroked my imaginary cat. "Listen to my quote and you will be surprised!" he finally cried.

"I'm not interested," I said.

He actually huffed. Loudly. I think he might have even tutted too. "Okay bye," he trilled, and was gone.

I now have a Top 10 repertoire of Things To Do When Telesales Call, just to keep me amused.

1. Play deaf: "I'm sorry? Pardon? What? I can't hear you? Say that again?"

2. Play ignorant: "What, I've won a loan? You're going to give me some money for free? How exciting! I'm just so happy, thank you so much."

3. Play rude: "I'll just get them for you." Put phone down, walk away.

4. Play loud: "One moment, I'll just put you on hold." Load Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell into stereo, crank up the volume, put phone next to speaker.

5. Play cockney: "Dunno watcha sayin', mate. Yer wot? Can't understand a bleedin' word yer on about, pal. Apple and pears, Arfur Dailey, bleedin' how's yer father."

6. Play broke: "Yeah, great, a loan! I already owe half a million, my house is about to be repossessed, I've lost my job and I've maxed out all my credit cards, so you've called just at the right time."

7. Play broken-hearted: "My husband's just left me, with three small babies, triplets. He run off with my best friend. I can't believe it. Sniff. You sound like a nice person, can I tell you all my troubles?"

8. Play robot: "At the third stroke it will be nine, fifty five, and seven seconds. Beep. At the third stroke it will be... "

9. Play confused: "This is Johnny isn't it. I know it's you, Johnny, I'd recognise your voice anywhere. It's you isn't it. Come on now, fess up, you're not fooling me."

And my particular favourite...

10. Play pervert: "What are you wearing right now?"

Anything that helps you make it through the day I say.

Revenge on a Telemarketer