Brummie Broad Meets Her Nemesis: A Birmingham Bus Driver

By Brummie Broad on Jul 14, 08 05:38 PM in

I've come across a rather good blog written by a Birmingham bus driver, one of the decent ones that can actually drive (yes, they exist!). As an office worker/slave who used to endure public transport on a twice-daily basis and developed quite a phobia about it, I couldn't resist the opportunity of asking the TWM driver some pertinent questions from a passenger point of view.

Scene 1: A woman's had a bad day at work - her boss is premenstrual and possibly homicidal, three colleagues are off sick and she's had to cover their work, and the IT system crashed in the middle of an urgent project. Finally extricating herself from the office, the woman wearily drags herself down Colmore Row towards the bus stop. Suddenly she spots her bus pulling up in the distance and breaks into a run. The driver clearly sees an ungainly woman sprinting directly towards him, and waits until she's just out of reach before pulling away (smiling as she stands, sweating and gasping, at the side of the road).

Question: Why do drivers do this? Are we allowed to lob heavy objects at them as they pass?

TMW Driver Answer: Oh that is so bad. I have never done this. Having said that I can understand why it could happen. The driver could be having a really bad day. The bus has a really large blind/unclear spot on the side nearest the kirb. This extends from roughly just behind the doors to about half a bus length after the back of the bus in a triangle shape. If you are running for the bus make sure that the driver can see you and that its clear that you want to catch their bus. If you can't see the driver chances are we can't see you. Lobbing heavy objects is always an option, just remember that if you break one of the windows there is a chance that you will hurt one of the passengers with the glass and the object you throw.

Scene 2: Its winter. Raining. Blowing a gale. And berluddy cold. A woman stands at a bus stop, fighting with the umbrella, finally abandoning the damn thing when she realises she can't possibly get any wetter. Lightning forks across a dark sky. She thinks she might die of hyperthermia quite soon.

Question: Why do buses pick these days to arrive 25 minutes late? Is it deliberate? Do they wait round the corner until they see you sink to your knees, screaming?

TMW Driver Answer: This ties in nicely with a post that I am writing right now about road rage. We don't just wait for this sort of thing to happen. For some strange reason when the weather is that bad everyone wants to take the car everywhere, the traffic can be 30 times worse. And there are idiots out there that like to drive faster in the wet and then are surprised when they wrap their car around a tree or lamppost. This sort of thing can and has caused massive traffic jams and the bus gets stuck like everyone else. If there were more bus lanes around and drivers respected them and drove responsibly then this wouldn't happen.

But wait, there's more. Read on for more shocking revelations. You wait ages for one to arrive, then half a dozen turn up at once ...

Scene 3: Its summer. 97 degrees. The sun roasts people standing at bus stops and the air is filled with the faint aroma of cooked meat and BO. The bus finally arrives, and 278 people clamber on. The heating system is on full blast, and the will to live quickly melts away.

Question: Does the heating system not have an OFF button? Or an ON button in winter?

TMW Driver Answer: Well sadly the heater has just two modes Inferno and off. But the off setting isn't always off. The temperature is set just like that control wheel on the end of your radiator at home and is in the worst place possible. It is right next to the drivers left foot. Most of them are very difficult to move unless you get out of the cab and almost stand on your head while twisting your arm at a very strange angle.

Scene 4: The person behind the wheel looks about 12 but drives like a four year old. Passengers grip tightly onto their seats as the bus travels at the speed of light into Harborne, then proceeds to kangaroo through traffic as the 12 year old bounces up and down on the brake (having obviously not taken his ADHD medication). The bus corners at 45 degrees, stops so sudden all passengers are thrown from their seats, and swerves like a rally driver. Totally ignoring red lights, it can't seem to manage to navigate Five Ways island, so he sits there, engine revving like a plane on takeoff, waiting for the island to completely clear.

Question: Is there a minimum age for TWM drivers? And do they have to take a test to prove they can drive before being let loose on the roads?

TMW Driver Answer: Yes. You have to be 21 with a car licence for 3 years or more. We do have to take a test and in order to do that we have to undertake two weeks of very intense training. Sadly it would appear that for some drivers this goes out the window once they are on the road. There are some good drivers out there though.

Scene 5: A passenger on the top deck is passing the long hours by reading a book. The person next to them is playing rap music at full blast from their mobile phone, maybe screeching along. Sometimes groups of schoolchildren put their phones together to have a sing song, clearly convinced they're the 'next big thing' in hiphop.

Question: Are we allowed to kill them and hide their bodies under the seat?

TMW Driver Answer: Only if you dispose of the body better than that. We don't want to scare the cleaners now do we? Seriously if you are having trouble with the music please ask them to turn it down and if they don't then go and talk to your driver. He should be able to get them to turn it off or down. If they don't then he can radio for assistance.

Scene 6: Rush hour traffic, the bus is packed to bursting point - sardines would feel claustrophobic. Passengers are standing. Other passengers are struggling to get off before the oxygen runs out. At every stop, the driver brakes so hard the back of the bus jumps in the air and the faces of several passengers are splattered against the windscreen.

Question: Are drivers tested for masochistic tendencies? Or do they just get bored and attempt to amuse themselves by watching passengers shoot down aisles at roughly the speed of a spaceship on re-entry?

TMW Driver Answer: Driving a bus can be very mind numbingly dull and I have come up with other ways of keeping my brain active. I have sometimes written whole blog posts in my mind while driving. With a full bus sometimes the driver can want to brake very gently but the sheer weight and inertia of the bus can overwhelm us and this can cause the bus to overshoot the stop and the knee jerk reaction for a driver who is overshooting the stop is to brake even harder thus the lurching stop.

Scene 7: Occasionally you get on a bus and realise the man behind the wheel is capable and experienced, a proper driver. He smiles at passengers, sometimes cracks jokes, maybe even sings or whistles en route. The journey to work is blessedly smooth and without incident, and you arrive at your destination composed and full of joy.

Question: Can commuters rate bus drivers so that the good ones are given pay rises, promotion and prestigious awards for services to humankind and the crap ones get given a good thrashing by disgruntled passengers?

TMW Driver Answer: You cant rate them as such. What you can do is to take the fleet number of the bus (usually four digits above the door) the route number, location and time. Then call TWM and praise the driver. This will eventually filter down to the driver. The same can be done if you have a bad trip only the driver will be called in for a word with his manager.

My thanks to TWM Driver and all the other good bus drivers of Birmingham, all 10 of you. To the other maniacs who try to kill us on a regular basis just for amusement value, us commuters will one day rise up and revolt, our time will come, so be afraid, be very afraid.