X Files : I Want To Believe - the truth is way, way out there
Yes, I wanted to believe.
But the second big screen case for the X Files team left me cold - and not just because all the action takes place in snowbound Virginia.
Having re-introduced Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson) as a not-so-cosy couple sharing the same bed, director Chris Carter is intent on exploring their relationship.
A shame that he didn't explore the plot instead - B-movie serial killer schtick that borrows from the likes of Re-animator and Jeepers Creepers.
After the drama of the beautifully filmed opening scenes, and the suggestion of a real X-files mystery, the movie races downhill into the routine cop thriller precinct.
The paranormal element, such as it is, comes courtesy of Father Joe, a psychic paedophile priest defrocked after abusing one too many altar boys.
(Well, 32 of them, to be precise).
Wild-eyed, wild-haired and with a knack of leading the FBI to body parts buried in the ice, it is a role perhaps tailor-made for one of Hollywood's best character actors.
No such luck. It's Billy Connolly.
Yes, that Billy Connolly.
He drifts in and out of the story, not to mention a tedious Scully subplot set in a hospital staffed by nuns, before he eventually escapes the ridiculous script.
I loved the X-Files before they ran out of steam. Mulder's obsessive quest for the truth out there, and the sinister conspiracy personified by the Smoking Man were essential viewing.
The sexual chemistry between Mulder and Scully simmered nicely while it remained unconsummated (they're now a couple grieving for the spooky son they gave away).
But I Want To Believe fails to build on the show's character. There's little in this case to warrant inclusion in any X Files, other than Father Joe's tears of blood.
Suffice it to say that the puerile plot involves a gay Russian pensioner, stolen body parts, Connolly's rambling pervert priest and a head transplant.
Yes, you read that right. A head transplant.
In fact, there are severed heads aplenty scattered throughout the movie but their appearance is so well telegraphed that they lose all shock value.
C'mon, Chris, we've all seen 7even.
For all you geeks out there, there's the reappearance of another X-Files regular (I won't tell you who in case it spoils what little surprise he is) and a number of in-jokes.
Best is the moment when Mulder looks at a portrait of George Dubya Bush in the FBI corridors of power and the X-Files theme suddenly starts up.
And what's the address of the mad scientist? Yes, it's Belleflower - the name of the town the very first X-Files mystery was set in.
Perhaps most significant is the name of the general store where the psychopaths do their weekly shop.
It's called Nutters Feed.
Sums up the whole movie really ...
* X Files : I Want To Believe (Cert 15) opens this Friday
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Paul Cole - Paul Cole - Lost, Torchwood, Sci-fi, Dr Who and anything worth getting the Anorak on for
Steve Wollaston - Wookie-loving Star Wars fanatic with a love of all things Dharma and sci-fi. Our resident You-Tube trawler.
Daniel Smith - Would-be scientist who can't add up. Believes Sisko is the best captain and Ronald D Moore is some sort of god.
Scully - Roving geek, with interests ranging from comics and sci fi to genre shows you may not have heard of yet, via John Cena (guilty pleasure). She wants to believe Lost is going to end well, but people do consider her a skeptic...
I just watched this last night on TV.
Great piece on it though. Absolutely spot on summation of this very dissapointing and rather pointless vehicle.